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21 Weeks, 3 Days.

There I was by the door trying to put my phone down so I can take a bucket and go pour water for our goats - I hadn't even bent a little and my phone was already on the floor, dismantled. Prior to that, I felt my head spinning and drank cold water before going to ga-Rangwane, while there, I was starting to feel like I won't make it back (two houses away - me - the girl who was 5th at the 10km run last December?) home as the spins were getting severe (my brother's loud music wasn't helping). I make it back, am by the door when my phone leaves my hand. Eish - that's my latest reaction to almost everything. I left it there to go and attend the goats.

After two 5litre buckets of water, I got the goats out to drink and when standing ko lešakeng, I start feeling a whole lot dizzy and before I could fall I managed to balance myself with the fence - and then for a split second everything was a blur! I came out of that state of delirium and walked back to the house to have my itchy anus send me to the toilet, where I was able to breathe, and then after relieving myself, I come back to drink more water and relate all this to you, dear reader.

This situation I find myself in has made one thing very clear to me - it's never just about you; your actions, words, thoughts, all affect you as much as they do those around you. I am writing this from a place of weakness. I am writing from a place of defeat. I tried to be in control and sway things in my favor like I normally do, but I failed. From the beginning, I wanted to make a decision that would only (it seemed) benefit me. But I was met with waves of opposition from those around me, those I had hoped would let me live my life and make my bed but Sefi Atta says that 'it is not easy to defy those you care about'.

Everything crumbled when I'd thought I had reached the finish line and it has been crumbles since. I am overwhelmed with emotions I can't control, I wallow in sorrow and grief that have given birth to all my sleepless nights. One minute I feel okay, better, hopeful, and the next I see my life crumbling before my eyes. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee (an edge I'm no longer in control of) and there goes my sleep. This is not where I wanted to be, but here we are.

I've wished myself to not come out every time the sunken place swallows me, Keep me here. I do not want to come out. I cannot face my circumstances. I have failed so I shall not come back. Keep me here. If only wishes did come true. But I am still hoping for the worst to get me out of this because I cannot come to terms with the best - everyone's best. Maybe if I wasn't so consumed with fear I would have made another attempt to take matters into my own hands.

Each day I wonder how am I getting out? Will I make it out, even? Is this the pART where I fully surrender?

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